Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
