I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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