guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
