Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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