the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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