im drinking this country out of the recession.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We need to rekindle our bromance
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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