the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
