if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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