i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
