dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can I color on your dick again?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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