my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
