Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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