i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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