ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
