the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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