I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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