I puked a lego.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
