I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
