She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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