Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
