I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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