I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
