the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
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