walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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