I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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