I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
