guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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