I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
