oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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