I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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