when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize