Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
