He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You are the jesus of drinking
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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