I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
