Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
