Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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