I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Damn victory sex feels great
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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