someone threw a dead crab at me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
