Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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