BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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