oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
