the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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