my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
