there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
