just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you win again, gameday.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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