Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
