i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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