i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I didn't notice because vodka
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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