Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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