dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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