My first STD was from a foam party
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
