Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize