im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
