we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
