Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
