My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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