Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
