I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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