kristin has been a bad kristin
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
