Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i love accidental penises.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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