Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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