Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
