I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
